


Know What's Good For Him

by 5SecondsOfButthole



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, don't worry tho it ends happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 10:36:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4260102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5SecondsOfButthole/pseuds/5SecondsOfButthole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton's been in 5SOS for a year now. And he’s stopped measuring time with how long its been since his dad left.</p><p>He thinks that maybe joining the band means more to him than his dad leaving did. The band makes him happy. His dad never did. Where his father tore him down with hits and yells the band builds him up with laughter and company. They don’t know how much they’ve helped him. They don’t know about the scars on his arms or the bruises that once marked his skin. But he thinks that they should.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Know What's Good For Him

When his little sister was born Ashton loved the idea of helping take care of her, when his little brother was born his desire to help take care of him was the same as with his sister; he wanted to help   in any way he could. It made him feel very grown up.

And it made his mom happy. When he went and got a new package of diapers from the basement or chose what baby food to give them that night, she would always beam at him and call him her “little man”.

His dad on the other hand didn’t like Ashton’s interest in the babies, he said, “Taking care of kids is for women and no son of mine will be involved in that, if he knows what’s good for him.”

It turned out that 11 year old Ashton didn’t know what was good for him.

When he gave Lauren a bath all Ashton wanted to do was make his mom happy, seeing his little sister splash around and giggle was just a bonus.

He didn’t think his dad would get so angry.

He didn’t think he would hit him.

It wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t feel like a big deal. At least not to Ashton. He didn’t do what his dad told him and he got in trouble for it.

His mom didn’t see it that way.

She almost dropped Harry when she saw the hand print on Ashton’s cheek. She hugged him and told him to go to his room. She was going to make his favorite breakfast in the morning.

A few minutes later the 11 year old heard his parents fighting. Taking turns yelling.

Ashton hid his head under the pillow and tried to block out the yells.

“IF YOU EVER LAY A HAND ON MY BABY AGAIN I WILL-”

“HE’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO ALL THAT GIRLY SHIT AND HE DIDN’T LISTEN. SO I PUISHED HIM. I WILL NOT HAVE A GAY SON.”

“HOW DARE YOU. HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ASHTON? HE’S THE MOST CARING KID I HAVE EVER MET.”

“REAL MEN AREN’T CARING.”

When he couldn't stand it anymore and there were tears on his cheeks Ashton grabbed the CD player he’d gotten for his birthday and listened to Green Day until he fell asleep trying to ignore his father’s voice echoing in his head.

_“I WILL NOT HAVE A GAY SON.”_

~

The next morning his mom did in fact make him breakfast. She even let him stay home from school and watch TV. When they started crying he tried to help with the babies and make her smile but the bruise on her neck seemed to stop her.

When Ashton went to bed that night she came in and sat on the edge of his bed, promising she would be dead before she let his dad do that again. She was crying when she left. Ashton doesn’t think she knew he was still awake.

~

Things changed a lot and Ashton didn’t like it.

His dad yelled more.

His mom wore more long sleeves.

His dad always smelled like beer.

His mom didn’t smile when Ashton helped with the babies.

~

A few months later when the bruise on Ashton’s cheek was long gone; it happened again.

His parents went out for a nice dinner, leaving Ashton, Lauren and Harry with a babysitter.

It was cool until Harry started crying; the babysitter whose name Ashton had forgotten didn’t know how to comfort the 2 year old. She was doing it all wrong; she was supposed to rub his back _and_ play with his hair, not one or the other and she defiantly wasn’t supposed to rock him back and forth, he hated that.

So he took over. And he did it right. And Harry fell asleep in his arms. The babysitter let him hold his little brother for as long as he wanted.

When his dad got home and saw the child in Ashton’s arms his eyes filled with anger and his moms eyes were filled with horror. ~~He wished she would have smiled like she used to.~~

His dad payed the babysitter and pretended not to be angry until she had driven away.

And then he yelled.

Ashton didn’t listen to the words flying from his dad’s mouth and ran to Harry’s room; putting the baby into his crib and running out, closing the door so the fighting wouldn't wake him up.

His dad didn’t like that. He smacked Ashton and sent him flying to the ground.

Ashton doesn’t remember what his dad was yelling anymore, the pain exploding from his stomach where his dad had kicked him is the only thing that comes to mind.

His mom stepped in and carried Ashton to his room, unlike last time she was angry at him too.

“I told you not to help the babysitter. I told you not to help take care of them anymore. You need to listen to your father and I when we tell you what to do.”

Ashton was forced to listen to their fight without music this time, he couldn’t find his headphones; he tried not to think about what it meant when his mom stopped yelling back.

~

It goes on like this for years.

Ashton gets used to it; he learns what not to say and what not to do the hard way.

He learns that he's not allowed to help his little siblings with anything. Taking care of kids is women’s work. ~~That still doesn’t stop him from making funny faces at them when his dad’s not looking or from sneaking them extra cookies after dinner.~~

He learns that what his dad says goes.

He learns to get good grades, only idiots get Bs and there will be no idiots in this family.

He learns not to ask his mom why she’s wearing long sleeved shirts when it’s 90° outside.

He learns that he’s not allowed to wear foundation, even if it was to cover the bruises.

He learns that talking about the guys in his class is a bad thing. Only gay boys say those things. And his father won’t have a gay son.

~

On his 14th birthday his grandparents gave him a drum set. He played it every day. His mom said lessons were too expensive so he’d have to teach himself, but he didn’t care. It was nice to be the hitter for once.

His dad approved of the drums. Hitting things was really manly. Ashton liked to pretend there was a picture of his dad’s face on the symbols.

~

When Ashton was 15, he fought back.

He was okay with his dad hitting him, he deserved it, but the moment his father’s fist hit his little brother Ashton exploded.

He pushed his dad away and pulled his now crying sibling into his arms.

His dad yelled. This time Ashton yelled back.

His mom came into the room with Lauren trailing behind her and Ashton yelled at her too.

He wasn’t going to sit by and watch her get hurt anymore and he sure as fuck wasn’t going to stay around and risk Harry and Lauren getting hurt.

His dad yelled more and Ashton passed Harry to his mom.

Ashton punched his dad and told him to get out of the house. His mom backed him up.

His dad tried to punch his mom but Ashton was done letting it happen.

He pinned his dad to the floor and called the cops.

~

His dad had been gone a month.

His mom still flinched and yelling still made Ashton shake. He doesn’t think either of those things will ever change.

Harry and Lauren don’t understand why daddy is gone and they still ask.

Ashton gets a job at KFC; money is tight since his dad left and Harry and Lauren are growing so fast they constantly need new clothes and his mom’s paycheck can barely cover the house bills.

He takes over watching his siblings, getting them ready in the morning and taking them to school, picking them up and having to take them to work with him because there's no one else to watch them.

His grades drop but he doesn’t have time to study during the day anymore, so he starts skipping lunch to study in the library and staying up until 2 am some nights to finish his homework. Because there will be no idiots in this family.

He gets fired from his job at KFC and his mom pretends it’s okay and says they didn’t really need the extra money but he knows she’s lying. He fucked up so bad; if there was no dinner on the table or the electricity bill wasn’t paid it would be his fault.

He hates himself so much. He deserves to be punished but there's no one to punish him. So he punishes himself, with five shallow cuts on his wrist that barely bleed but they hurt and he deserves to be hurt. Watching the skin break was relieving, feeling blood slowly bubble up to the surface of his skin and rinsing it off felt like his emotions were getting washed away at the same time.

Cutting becomes his crutch; every time he fails a test, every time he doesn’t get the job he applied for, every time his mom comes home after 11, every time he has to cancel plans with a friend to look after the kids, every time his siblings ask where their dad was and if he was ever coming home. Every time he think about a cute boy. The pain lets him forget sometimes and sometimes it just hurts but that’s what he wants, because he deserves it.

~

His dad has been gone for six months.

He got a job at the video store and they have a little corner with a small TV where they let his siblings stay if they're quiet.

Ashton’s birthday had come and gone, his mom didn’t remember until the day after but, he couldn't find it in himself to be angry with her, it wasn’t her fault she was so busy.

He has permanent bags underneath his eyes but his grades are decent and Harry and Lauren are okay and they seem happy enough.

He doesn’t have time to play the drums anymore but he still taps out beats on anything and everything.

His wrists are covered in scars and cuts but he covers them with bracelets so no one ever sees.

He's tired and he hates himself so much; he wishes he didn’t care about Harry or Lauren so he could just disappear for good. But if he’s not around who’s going to look after them? Besides, he could never leave them the way their dad did.

~

His dad has been gone for a little over a year.

His mom got promoted and works less ours for more pay. She’s around a lot more and Ashton doesn’t have to take care of his siblings as much.

He still works at the video shop but his hours keep getting reduced, they’ll fire him soon, he’s sure of it.

He’s still tired and he still hates himself. He still hurts himself but no one needs to know that.

~

His dad has been gone for a year and a half and Ashton wishes he could stop thinking of things as before and after he left. He always thought that after his dad was gone he would be happy but he’s not. But that’s okay because his mom wears short sleeves now and Harry and Lauren have stopped asking about dad and they smile all the time. How he feels doesn’t matter.

He gets fired from the video shop. They say his drumming on things is annoying. His mom says it’s okay that he got fired and she wasn’t lying this time; but it didn’t make him feel any better about it.

He has less to do now, he has time to play the drums more and actually do his homework. His grades are better and he’s reminded of exactly why he loved playing the drums so much, he reconnects with his friends and gets out more.

He should be happier but he’s not.

He still hates himself. He still hurts himself. The only difference was that now the idea of dying wasn’t so bad; there was nothing really keeping him here except for his family, but with his mom’s new job they didn’t truly need him. But he stays anyway, because music is cool and he loves his siblings, even if he doesn’t love himself.

~

His dad has been gone for two years, but the words he said still ring in Ashton’s ears as if he was there just yesterday.

Ashton has a crush on the guy who sits next to him in math; they're funny, and understanding and energetic and happy, and the only problem is that they're a guy. If his dad was still around he would kill him.

He’d never felt more disgusting. His dad would hate him so much in that moment, his dad would punish him. He deserved t be punished. He didn’t deserve to just walk around as if he wasn’t a disgrace to the family.

He takes 30 Tylenol. His heart beats three times faster than it should, his stomach twists and churns, his head swims; but he still wakes up the next morning to his little brother poking him awake and asking if they could go do something, his letter laying on the table where he left it the night before.

He waits until that night to let himself break down, he couldn't even kill himself right, so pathetic. He cuts dozens of little tally marks into his arms and let’s himself cry for hours. He falls asleep on the bathroom floor.

When he wakes up he decides he’ll ignore his feelings, forget about love all together; love wasn’t really anyway. He decided he was just going to play the drums and take care of his family, because that’s what he was meant to do.

~

His dad has been gone 2 and a half years and Ashton is just going through the motions, nothing feels real. It’s like he’s an actor in some shitty straight to DVD movie.

He’s only got a few shitty friends who he only hangs around with because he has nothing better to do. They’re giant dicks who like to pick on people they don’t know like that cute kid with those green sunglasses. And Ashton couldn’t listen to them for more than a few seconds, stepping in and telling the adorable sunglasses wearer that he thought they were cute.

And if he went home and cut up his arms for thinking that a boy was cute, no one had to know.

~

His dad has been gone for two years and three months when he joins a band. The cute boy with the green sunglasses is in it. It probably shouldn’t make him as happy as it does.

He goes to every rehearsal and every gig no matter how small or unorganized it might be. And days he doesn’t he plays the drums for hours and watches his little siblings.

He really likes the guys in the band. Calum is a sick bassist despite the fact that he’s only been doing it for a few months and he makes Ashton laugh, which is nice. Michael is really sarcastic and talks about dying his hair a lot, he doesn’t sing as much as Ashton thinks he should.

And then there’s Luke.

He’s a little quiet but the longer Ashton is around the more open he is. He laughs at the smallest thing and tells the dumbest jokes that Ashton refuses to admit are funny (even though he loves them). Don’t get Ash started on his singing voice or his baby blue eyes, he could go on for hours.

They seem to gravitate towards each other from day one, always sitting next to each other, always talking to each other more than the other two, they’ve even cuddled a little. And sometimes it makes Ashton feel so guilty, because he knows he’s slowly but surely developing feelings for the blond boy. And Luke is straight. He could never want Ashton. And Ashton definitely shouldn’t want Luke.

~

it’s been six months since he joined 5SOS. And he’s never been happier. He doesn’t know what it is about these three boys but they know how to make him smile.

Slowly but surely the cuts on his arms dwindle and fade, and he sometimes relapses but he’s so much better than he was before the band. The three boys make him feel like its okay for him to be himself. He’s not afraid to be weird and loud when he’s around them. He doesn’t think he’s ever been able to do that with anyone before.

He finds out that Luke is gay and almost has a panic attack. Because he knows that liking boys is wrong, he’s wrong for looking at Luke’s ass and wondering how tight it would be, and he’s wrong for wondering what it would feel like to kiss Luke and hold him close and tell him he makes Ashton’s world a little brighter. He’s wrong. Him being gay is wrong. His dad taught him that with his fists and harsh words.

But he holds no hate or resentment towards Luke. He has no problem with Luke being gay. If anything it makes him happy because maybe now he has a chance.

And it’s the thoughts of loving a guy that push him to relapse but he can’t stop the growing feelings he has for the blond boy. And he’s not sure he truly wants to.

~

He’s been in 5SOS for a year now. And he’s stopped measuring time with how long its been since his dad left.

He thinks that maybe joining the band means more to him than his dad leaving did. The band makes him happy. His dad never did. Where his father tore him down with hits and yells the band builds him up with laughter and company. They don’t know how much they’ve helped him. They don’t know about the scars on his arms or the bruises that once marked his skin. But he thinks that they should.

So he tells them.

He starts from the beginning. He tells them about his dad and the abuse he dealt out like cards. He tells them about the homophobic words thrown at him. He tells them that he thinks he’s gay. And it’s the first time he’s ever said it out loud and its so relieving he breaks down and cries. The boys all rush to hug him and offer words of support. Telling him they don’t care that he’s gay that they love him anyway. And with their arms around him he feels more loved than he thinks he ever really has.

So through his cries he tells them so. He tells them that he used to hate the fact that he was gay with his entire being, it made him hate himself even more than he already did, it still kind of does. His dad forced him to believe that being gay was the worst thing a man could be but after being around them his mind slowly changed. He saw that they didn’t care that Luke was gay and they treated him the exact same way they treated anyone else. There was nothing wrong with Luke because he was gay and if there was nothing wrong with Luke then there must be nothing wrong with Ashton right?

And Ashton pulls up his sleeves and shows them the scars on his skin. Their arms all tighten around him when they realize what the lines engraved into his skin must be from. So Ashton tells them about his addiction, he tells them how the pain became a friend, his only coping mechanism. And then he tells them about how they changed that. They became his coping mechanism. He would call or text them instead of hurting himself. Their presence lifted his spirits and made him happier in general. But probably more importantly made taught him to accept himself.

A few days later Luke kisses him and tells Ashton that he’s crushed on him since the movies and when Ashton says the same he’s kissed again. And this time his father’s words don’t echo in his head and his wrists don’t beg to be hurt. He just smiles.

~

It’s been 3 years since Ashton joined 5 Seconds of Summer and two yeas since he and Luke got together and as he stares out at the crowd of their sold out area concert he knows that he’s never been happier. And 20 year old Ashton knows that this band is what’s good for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this a really long time ago and found the file a few days ago and decided to finish it which is why the end is so half assed but I still like it. Thanks for reading!
> 
> You should tell me what your favorite lines were because I'm just really curious to see what they would be ;)


End file.
